Ain't No Party Like A Timelord Party
by LoLoBubbles
Summary: It's Clara's Birthday! Of course, the Doctor has to throw her a birthday party! And who better to invite than all his past companions and selves since 2005? Three Timelords, A half Doctor-half human and 9 companions mixed with Gallifrayan cocktails is calling for a crazy night!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter I:  
"Hey Doctor" said Clara as she walked into the Console Room. "You know, it's my birthday today..." she said.  
"It's your birthday?" the Doctor asked, suddenly standing up straight. "Clara, I have got a great idea!"

In Rose's and John's House, in a parallel universe  
"Hey, John, we got a letter." Rose said, opening the Tardis blue envelope. "It's an invitation," she announced "from the Doctor."

In the Pond's house, in the 1940s, New York  
"Dear Amy and Rory," Amy read out loud "you are invited to the Tardis for the birthday of Clara Oswald. I will pick you up in London, at 7 p.m, on Monday the 21st of January. Don't be late (not that that's important anyway).  
–The Doctor"  
"The 21st of January? But that's tomorrow." Rory said.

In the Jones' house  
"Mickey?" Martha called. "Guess who we just got an invitation from?"  
"Um, your mom?" Mickey guessed.

In River Song's cell  
"You got a letter." said the guard, as he tossed it to her.  
"Tardis blue, eh?" she said, smiling, as she opened the envelope and read it. When she was done, she turned around and announced "I'm really sorry." as she applied her hallucinogenic lipstick.

In the Tardis, one regeneration earlier.  
"Doctor, do you usually get letters?" Donna asked.  
"Um, no." said the Tenth Doctor.  
"Well you got one now."

In the Tardis, another regeneration earlier.  
"Ah, Rose is at home for the weekend. I got you all to myself, Tardis." the Ninth Doctor said.  
"You got mail" the Tardis announced.  
"Huh?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! I Forgot To Mention that I do not own Doctor Who or any of it's characters.**

"So who did you invite?" Clara asked, watching the Eleventh Doctor make a Gallifreyan cocktail.  
"Oh, you know just a few old friends. Now come on, let's go get them!" The Eleventh Doctor said, racing towards the Console room. "We're picking Rose and John up first. Rose has a machine to get to this universe, so they should be waiting for us in London, at her old apartment!"  
The Tardis landed and the Eleventh Doctor ran outside.  
"Doctor? Is that you?" Rose asked "You regenerated." She said, smiling.  
"Hey..." Clara said.  
"Yep, I did regenerate. Thank you for noticing. This is Clara, the birthday girl."  
"Hello." said John, shaking her hand.  
"Hi." said Rose, her smile fading. What's that about? Clara thought.  
"Okay!" The Doctor said, stepping back into the Tardis and gesturing them to come in. "Now we're off to London, but this time in the 1940s. It's a long story."  
They landed and stepped out to greet the Ponds.  
"Hi, Doctor." said Amy, hugging him.  
"Hey, Doctor." said Rory.  
"So who are your friends?" Amy asked.  
"You can introduce yourselves. Now we have to go get the Jones!" The Doctor went back into the Tardis and pulled a lever.  
When they went back outside, they were back in 21st century London, and were greeted by the Jones.  
"Doctor, you've regenerated." Martha noticed.  
"And yet your tenth regeneration is here..." Mickey said.  
"Yeah, it's a long story. He's a clone." Clara explained.  
Just at that moment, two Tardises appeared.  
"You invited your past regenerations?" asked Rose.  
"Yep. Not a party without them. You know, I think I know why I woke up with a headache and no memories of the night before, those two times." The Doctor said. Nine and Ten, who was followed by Donna, stepped out of their Tardises.  
"Where's the birthday girl, eh?" asked Ten, with a big present in his hand.  
"Ooooh, a gift!" Clara said.  
"Why do everyone always ask who's the birthday girl? Keep up!" Eleven Complained.  
"At least one of the Doctors got me a gift, huh?" Clara said, turning towards Eleven.  
"I lost it! I'll get you another one, I promise."  
"Are you really a future version of me?" Nine asked Eleven.  
"Yep" he answered, straightening his bowtie.  
"So is that all?" Asked Rose.  
"Nah. Jack's going to show up soon enough."  
As if on cue, Jack teleported onto the square at that exact moment.  
"Hey girls. And guys." he said, winking.  
"Jack!" Martha said.  
"So is that all?" Rose asked again.  
"Nope. We still have to get Jenny, Vastra and Strax..." Eleven said, stepping back into the Tardis, "Follow me!"  
They arrived in Victorian London and greeted their friends.  
"Hello, Doctor" said Vastra.  
"Sir." added Strax.  
"Why does he look like a potato?" whispered Donna.  
"Hey, only I get to say he looks like potato!" said Eleven. "Okay, one more person!"  
They landed in River's prison. They stepped outside.  
"Seriously, a prison?" asked Rose.  
"Yeah, long story." Eleven said.  
River arrived along the corridor. "Hello, sweetie!" she said.  
"Sweetie?" asked Nine.  
"Other long story." eleven said.  
"Hello, I'm River Song!" River introduced herself.  
At that moment, ten guards arrived.  
"We'd better go," River said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, so now the party really starts!**

One hour later  
The Tardis was already trashed, and everyone was drunk. The doctor had warned that the Gallifreyan drink was the most alcoholised drink in the entire universe, but everyone drank it without hesitating.  
"Catch me, space boy!" Donna lunged herself at Ten.  
"Whoa!" he said. He caught her but as soon as he did, he fell backwards himself. Eleven was dancing terribly. Strax was getting out his third grenade. Nine was going around, pretending to shoot people with his banana.  
"Hey, Sweetie," River said flirtatiously to Eleven.  
"Hi, River! Come and dance!" Eleven said.  
"How about a kiss first?" River asked.  
Just then, Donna and Ten landed on Eleven, and he was squashed on the ground.  
"What kind of reflexes are those?" Donna got up.  
"I don't know. Let's try again!" said Ten, as he ran off with Donna again. Eleven got up, but just went off to change the song. Jack approached him. "Hey doc." He said, as he leaned in for a kiss. Unfortunately, Jack had had twice as many drinks as anyone else, so he was unstable. He tripped and fell on Eleven, squashing him once again. Jack was knocked out cold. John helped Eleven get back up.  
"You alright?" he asked.  
"Yeah."  
"Okay!" John ran off, showing just how much he cared. Eleven went to his room.  
"Hey, Doctor." Clara said flirtatiously, closing the door behind her. She was wearing a tight red dress.  
"Clara!" Eleven said, and went to hug her. Clara pushed him onto his bed, which was no use because he immediately fell asleep.  
Meanwhile, Ten and Donna were playing catch me! but Donna wasn't very good at catching Ten. Ten landed face first on the ground.  
"Let's stop playing this." suggested Ten.  
"Good idea!" said Donna. "Let's go to the swimming pool instead!"  
When they arrived, they found Mickey and Martha skinny dipping. They quickly turned around. And then they got lost.  
"I thought you said we had to turn right." asked Donna.  
"I did! But then we turned left!" complained Ten.  
"What? Why didn't you tell me?" asked Donna, confused.  
"I figured you knew!"

Meanwhile, Nine was getting into a fight with Strax, who accused him of trying to shoot him with the banana.  
"This isn't a banana! It's a gun!" yelled Nine.  
Rose arrived. "Have you seen Eleven?" she asked.  
"Uh, last time I saw him he was in his bedroom. Then Clara walked in after him." said Nine.  
"What?" asked Rose "I'll be damned if I let her manage first!" She walked away.  
"Boy! Come back! You must tell him he is holding a banana!" begged Strax.  
River then came next. "Hey, where did Rose go?" She tried putting her arm around Strax' neck before realizing he didn't have one.  
"She went to join Eleven and Clara in his room." said Nine, wondering why everyone was so curious about that.  
"What? God dammit!" River said angrily, taking out her gun.  
"Why do you have a banana?" asked Nine, but River had already left.


	4. Chapter 4

ten minutes earlier  
"So what's your relationship with the Doctor?" Jack asked Rose, Clara, and River.  
"I'm his wife." said River, proudly.  
"I'm his girlfriend." bragged Clara.  
"What? No you're not!" said River.  
"I'm not? That must of been a dream..." said Clara.  
"Everyone knows he loves me most." said Rose.  
"Everybody knows you were just there to make him feel better after the Time War." said River.  
"Well, I think that The Doctor and I always had a connection!" Jack said, putting his nose up in the air.  
"I think I could easily seduce him!" argued Clara.  
"Well, why don't we make a bet? First one who kisses the Doctor wins!" Rose announced.  
"Deal!" said River.  
"Deal!" announced Jack.  
"Fine." said Clara, trying to make an intimidating face. "I'm off to change!"  
"I'm so going to manage first!" said River.  
"Oh no, I am!" said Rose, running into a wall, which made her less convincing.  
ten minutes later.  
Rose entered the room, followed by River, who was carrying a gun.  
"Why is the Doctor asleep on the bed?" asked Rose, obviously forgetting that that's a bed's purpose.  
"I don't know," said Clara "he just passed out!"  
Just then, Jack entered the room, yelled "Finally alone!" and passed out on top of Eleven. Which immediately woke him up.  
"I'm awake! I'm awake! And why is Jack lying on me?" he yelled.  
At that moment, Ten and Donna walked in.  
"This isn't the console room!" yelled Donna, and immediately turned around.  
"Hello. Goodbye." Ten said, following Donna.  
Eleven pushed Jack off him, and Jack fell on the ground.  
"Right!" he got up, "Time to party! Do my two ladies want to come?" he put his arms around River and Clara, which made Rose's face red with jealousy.  
"River, why are you carrying a gun?" Eleven said. "Oooh, I know! Let's get some bottles out and shoot them."  
Apparently, no one had thought of emptying the bottles before shooting them, which made an awful mess. That and the fact that Clara was an extremely bad shot.  
Nine got very upset and started accusing everyone of stealing the bullets from his banana.  
"How are Strax and I supposed to invade the moon without them?" he complained.  
Suddenly, Amy and Rory came into the room, wearing Martha and Mickey's clothes.  
"Mom, why are you wearing those clothes?" asked River.  
"Mom?" asked Rose.  
"Yeah, you got a problem with that, home-wrecker?" River said.  
"Home-wrecker?" asked John, who was wearing a leotard (for some reason).  
"I was there first!" yelled Rose, as she slapped River across the face.  
"Oh, you did not just do that!" said River, grabbing the gun from Clara's hand.  
"Are they talking about the last slice of pizza? Because I'm the one who ate that." asked Eleven.  
"No, you idiot! We're talking about you!" said Rose.  
"What?" asked John as he punched Eleven across the face. Eleven fell down the stairs and Clara, River and Rose immediately rushed to make sure he was okay.  
That's when the Dalek came in, wearing a party hat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, this is the last chapter! **

Eleven got up, climbed the stairs, and then he saw the Dalek.  
"What the hell is he doing here?" he asked.  
"And why is he wearing a party hat?" asked Clara, forgetting that Daleks were dangerous.  
Donna and Ten stepped into the room. Apparently, they had finally found the console room. But as soon as they saw the Dalek, they turned around and left.  
"Daleeeeeeeek! You came!" said Jack, as he went to hug the Dalek.  
"Uh, what's going on?" asked Nine.  
"Well I invited him! He's my best friend! I loooove him!"  
"What?" asked Eleven, shocked.  
"Oh, don't worry, I love you more, Doc, just don't tell him." he pointed at the Dalek, and winked.  
"Exterminate!" said the Dalek, but River shot it, and it died.  
"OMG! River what did you do?" Jack started crying.  
"Awwww, don't cry! It's my birthday." Clara begged.  
"Okay!" said Jack, suddenly cheerful again. "Hey, River, you're a really good shot! Do you mind teaching me?"  
"Uh, yes." said River.  
That's when Martha and Mickey arrived, each wrapped in a towel.  
"Hey, who took our clothes?" asked Mickey, and Amy and Rory fell over laughing.  
"Oh, you!" Martha said, as she started chasing after Amy, who managed to run surprisingly fast, considering her heels.  
"Is the dare still on?" asked Rose.  
"What dare?" asked Eleven.  
"I was talking to River, Clara and Jack." said Rose.  
"I don't know, River?" asked Clara.  
"Sure." said River, distracted by Jack trying to grab the gun off her.  
"Hey, I've got an idea, let's play paintball!" suggested Ten, who had apparently re-entered the room.  
"Yeah!" said River, enthusiastically. They all grabbed a paint-gun and started shooting. Jack went out cold in the first minute, and landed on Martha, who was in the middle of chasing down Amy. River was very good at it, no surprise there.  
Nine was just throwing bananas at people. Clara and Rose were constantly trying to seduce Eleven, which probably motivated River to manage even more. Eleven, being a terribly bad shot, accidentally shot Rose, which made Clara grin. River kept going on about the fact that the last person who had shot her was Hitler, and Ten was taking it as a personal challenge. Strax was trying to invent paint grenades. Vastra and Jenny were also kicking ass, while Mickey had found Rory's clothes, which got Amy confused.  
"Hey Doctor!" Clara winked at Eleven.  
"Oh, hi Clara!" Eleven was hiding behind a bench. Clara sat beside him and tried to kiss him.  
"Clara, I'm busy! Go kiss someone else, like... her!" he pointed at River.  
"Your wife?" asked Clara.  
"Umm...No, wait don't do that!"  
"You talk too much!" Clara said, as she grabbed Eleven's coat and kissed him.  
"Oh hell no!" River said, as she grabbed Eleven and kissed him too.  
"Ooooh, two girls like me! I'm popular!" said Eleven.  
Rose tried to go and kiss him, but tripped on Jack, who was lying unconscious on the floor.  
"Wait, don't you have hallucinogenic lipstick on?" Clara asked River.  
"Oops." said River.  
"Why is the world spinniiiiing?" asked Eleven. Meanwhile Jack had woken up, but he didn't seem interested in the Doctor anymore, and instead was staring at himself in the mirror, going on about how handsome he was. Eleven got up and started a conversation with a tea pot. By then, most people had stopped playing paintball, and were were all applying hallucinogenic lipstick to their lips, even the guys. Apparently, River was the only on who was immune to it.  
So now, not only was everyone drunk, but they were also hallucinating.  
"I kissed the Doctor once!" said Clara, "Or was that an elephant?"  
Amy was trying to kiss Mickey, who was wearing her husbands clothes, so that got her confused.  
"River is always trying to kill me!" said Eleven.  
"Oh come on, sweetie. You can't still be upset about that! It was only twice and it's not like I succeeded!" River justified herself.  
"Hey, guys, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend!" said Jack, pointing at his reflection.  
"No, Jack, that's my boyfriend!" said Clara.  
"What?" Jack turned to his reflection "You two timing jerk!" He tried to slap the mirror.  
"Why is everyone around me flying and I can't?" Donna complained.

Finally everyone fell asleep. Eleven was the last to, which meant he got to hear what everyone said in their sleep. Because, yes, everyone here talks during their sleep.


End file.
